Old School Basketball

I am watching an old basketball game from 1990. Why can't we have basketball players like that now. The awesome box haircuts, medium shorts...and let's face it...skill. Basketball back then was more about the fun of the game. But now it seems like the game is about the incentives, professional opportunities and prestige. But what has happened to the love of the game?

The same goes for our love towards God. It starts off as the main focus. It is all about the relationship and the glory and love that can be brought to God. And yet, as the years progress we tend to lose focus and look for the blessings of God in our lives and the fruits of God that will be presented to us rather than just having that pure love and joy for Him. This is common even back in the Old Testament days. Look at the Isrealites. They wandered in the desert for 40 years, and God had provided for them yet they did not see the blessings that God bestowed upon them. Rather than showing God the love that He had shown them, they complained about the journey.

I wonder how many times in my life in general, these mere 24 years that I have lived, have I truly known about God but yet have not KNOWN God. I am pretty sure that I can't it on more than 2 hands. Why is it that we go through this? Why do we tend to fall back from the true light in which we are supposed to live and live our own ways? We are once in love with God and are "on fire" for God and then all of a sudden our flame dims.

And then something happens...and we run back into the light only to find out that the light never dimmed but we walked along the edge of the glow and eventually stumbled out of the light and got scared. I don't know why it happens. I don't understand it but it does happen.

And sometimes we need to go back to the basics. The time when things were fresh and new and we loved it. Where it's not mundane or commonplace.

Sometimes we need to keep in focus the way things used to be while also looking forward at the possibilities. Who knew back in 1990 that 18 years later college basketball would be corrupt for the incentives of a scholarship and promotional goodies, and that the shorts would extend below the knee caps and that there would no longer be box haircuts instead they are replaced with corn rows and tattoos? Would that change the way the game is played now if it was known back then? Probably not...but who wants to know about the future?

I get the hints...

I get the hints....
They are all around me...
Yet for some reason they don't settle well...
And I wonder why it is...

Sometimes I think it is the part of me...
That does not want to accept it...
And in the end...
I give in to the fact that I am not in control...

Control....
Why do I have to give it up...
Why must it be so hard to give up...
Maybe because I am human and incapable...

All things are out of my hand...
Thanks be to God...
Because if they were in my hands...
I'd make the same mistakes...

Over....
And Over....
And Over....
Again....

Reflections of Christmas Lights in the Window...

It seems to happen...I don't know why. If I did it would not be happening as much. But regardless, it happens...and not just to me but to everyone. Well I say everyone, but I don't know that for sure. But I would be willing to venture a guess that it has.

I say this because it's really not just one thing, but if you look at the root cause of it all, it does all boil down to one or two things. Let's look at the big list.

Doubt...worry...anxiety...

confusion...too high of expectations...disappointment...hatred...frightened...unsure...indecisive...loud...quiet...lack of care...insensitive... the list can go on.

Now let's look at the root causes...

CONTROL
ACCEPTANCE
JUDGMENT
DISTRUST
...This list can go on but not as extensively as the one above.

So why is it that we all face this? Why is it that we seem to accept some of these behaviors as part of our character? Why do we not try to find the root cause and eradicate the lie in which Satan or even ourselves have fed us?

I've noticed this in my life...that I accept certain behaviors as part of my personality. But that is not entirely truth. The fact that I worry or get anxious or have too high of expectations does not classify my personality. CONTROL is what classifies my personality, or maybe I should say the lie in which my personality has been fed. Because let's face it...I am not even capable of being in control of anything. Not my life, not my friends, not my relationships not even the very car I drive (as crazy as it sounds). And the most ridiculous thing about it is that I REALLY do not want to be in control. I know that I am incapable of being in control. So why is it that this ROOT CAUSE seems to continually sprout up in my life like a dandelion in the perfectly manicured lawn?

I think that even if I say I give it all to God, that I still want to hold on to it. But holding on to it is still trying to have some CONTROL of it. So where does the line have to be drawn and one notice that this isn't working out? That you cannot keep going the same path that you were going? That you have to give it ALL away? I think that it comes when you slow down...look around you and fully allow the grace of God to cover you. When your mind focuses on the Cross and does not wander from the Creator. And that right there seems impossible...but the fact is friends...that it is not impossible.

What it takes is Discipline and Consistency. Without these 2 things and even in the beginning it seems impossible. But as you continue on the road it gets easier because you are making it a part of your lifestyle and no longer does it seem impossible but it seems manageable and then possible. Nothing comes easy. Obtaining the relationship you want with God is not an easy road to travel. It takes discipline and consistency because on that road God is going to show you your flaws and He is going to put rough paths in front of you. And if you don't consistently seek out God but rather come to Him in the times of your convenience then yes, God will become a stumbling block. But if you are constantly in His presence and praising Him and glorifying Him in the good times and bad, then no longer is He a stumbling block but He is the cornerstone of your life.

The sad part is that sometimes it takes circumstances in life to get you to this point. I know for me it has been that way. But I don't regret any of it. And I am still getting to that point but the closer and closer I get, the more and more I can see it clearly. To have this relationship where complete trust in God and knowing that He is in control is amazing. It can be unnerving at first but the more and more that you realize that it will always be out of your hands the more comforting it is. God is good...and it is amazing how He shows it.

Sacrificing myself...

I have been going through these past few months asking myself what it truly means to sacrifice myself. How does this lifestyle impact me?

On one hand it means putting other people before me.
On the other hand it means putting God before everyone and everything else.

I look at the way our society views a sacrifice. Back in the Old Testament days a sacrifice was an animal, and based on the "quality" of the animal and the "quantity" of the animal(s), was the basis of how much you sacrifice. But was the sacrifice back then given out of obligation or out of love for God?

Some of the most prominent figures in the Old Testament made sacrifices for God, and then some of the prominent figures also refuted and rebuked others for their false idols and half-hearted sacrifices.

Fast forward to the New Testament and we now see a new sacrifice. Jesus dying on a cross. God sacrificing His son. A sacrifice made by God for all people, so that they may no longer have to sacrifice animals to God. But now we are given a commandment(s) by Jesus, probably the greatest commandment ever...Love God, Love Others.

Taking this greatest commandment...how do we apply it to sacrifices. Fast forward to today. Sacrificing time and money seem to be the best way that we can sacrifice. But we run into the same problems as the people in the Old Testament run into. Are we sacrificing out of an outward love towards God or are we sacrificing due to an obligation, and our hearts are only halfway in it?

When does this all come down to sacrificing ourselves...our all? When does it get past money and time, and we just offer ourselves to others. Because if we offer ourselves; our time, money and whatever else is included in all of that. No longer do we worry about what to give, or what to sacrifice because by offering ourselves...that is all we need to worry about.

So the real matter is this. Are you offering yourself to God? Are you readily making yourself available to others? What is stopping you from giving to God what is rightfully His? Do you want to give yourself to God?

Has it really been since June?

So I was looking at the last blog I placed here and it really has been since June. Have I been writing? Yes. Actually I have been journaling. It has been such a relief to just jot down my ideas and thoughts. Some actually have been extraordinary and some just plain and simple.

A lot has gone on in life. There has been some ups and some downs. Up being that I had an amazing relationship with my best friend. Down being that I am no longer with her and am learning to be contempt with that and still be her friend.

Up being that I went to Poland for 11 days. Down being that I am no longer in Poland and want to be there.

But amidst all these ups and downs...which there are more than listed...God is so good. He has shown me a lot about myself as well as others. To say that I have finally loved but not loved back is a hard concept to grasp. And I guess I need to get over it.

How do you get past that broken/hurt feeling that seems like it will never go away? How do you fix the things that you want to fix? I think it is because God does not want to fix it for you or just yet. Here is the thing. It all comes down to, do you trust that God is working and that He is going to provide the comfort, relief and time to get over everything. Trust...Faith...all go hand in hand. It is the matter of do you want God to work on you? Are you able to give God your entire life? Can He take control...complete control?

Yes you can. It's trust, faith and obedience. Just Believe.

Father's Day...

So it seems like whenever Father's Day comes around I feel this emptiness come over me. It's not a sorrow or sadness, but I think the best way to describe it is a void. It's like something there is missing. And I think that thing is the actual physicality of knowing what a dad is like.

Now I know that I have a Father in heaven, and I believe totally with my heart that He has filled this void in my heart, but there is something missing that I can not explain. To refer to God as my Father is one thing, but to know how a father feels, how a father interacts, how a father comforts is a different feeling in which I have not experienced physically. Spiritually I feel it, physically I don't.

I don't know what it feels like to have that strong pat on the back when something was done right, or to have the scornful/deep voice to correct me when I was wrong. I don't know what it is like to be embraced with strong arms and to burrow my head in a broad shoulder when times were difficult and sadness overcame my world. I don't know what it is like to go fishing, or camping or throw the baseball or play basketball with a father. I don't know any of these things because I have never experienced them.

And growing up with a single mother, I would not change it for the world. It has made me the man that I am today, but when this holiday comes around it's a void that just yearns for those things. I know that my Father in heaven is there for me and will continually show me those things, but in the times when a physical touch is needed, it cannot be found.

Sometimes I want to have a pity party for myself....but what good does that do for anyone. Just suck it up and deal with it, that is what I tell myself. And yeah it sucks, but when I get to become the father I dream of, I will know the things that my children need from a dad...at least I hope that I do.

Hi....I'm the nice guy

So I hear it time and time again. I don't necessarily find it a problem. I mean if it really was a problem I would change it. But it's always the same thing. "Oh...you are so nice, but I would be a bad influence on you." Or.. "you are such an awesome guy but..." and it's quite frankly annoying. Is it because I go for the bad girls? I don't think so, I have found some very awesome people...even great friends, but what the heck?!?! Since when was it their decision to make that decision for me.

I guess I shouldn't be going too much into a rant right now because I think I might have found someone who is awesome like that and might not give me that excuse. At least I hope not. But maybe I am counting my blessings too fast. I don't know. The fact that I hear it so often is what makes me turn away from even trying to date. And that just gets me nowhere. Absolutely nowhere. So the question is, do I drop this near egotistical behavior, humble myself, take in the nice guy that I am, and just keep trying regardless of the many times I get let down or disgusted with it? Yeah I think I just drop it...being nice has gotten me places as well. I can't complain. The right one will come, maybe she is the right one....who knows. Only time and patience can tell.

Nash-vegas and the wonders it brings

This weekend was the Post in the City retreat. 107 young adults/college students traveled approximately 3 hours to Nashville to have a retreat, but more importantly serve in Nashville. The whole focus of the trip was to serve in the community. And man was God so present in this weekend. We served with Nashville's Against the Grain ministry which helps with single mothers and provides them services and bible studies. It was in this ministry that we were able to help landscape, clean houses, and move furniture for single mothers, helping them with small household chores. We had 15 groups total...each attempting to go to a house or 2 and help...and man was this amazing. God was just so open to what was going on there and some neighbors started asking why we were down there planting flowers for a single mother and her 5 kids.

But after this we had a picnic in the local park. This was so much fun because it was a joy to see the mothers eyes as we played with their kids and talked to them. And the kids were amazing. Between playing on the merry go round and the swings and playground. It was just fun and amazing. We were able to pray with the minster that is over there and his prayer was one that I won't forget for a while. He mentioned how it was amazing to see that in the family of Christ there is no concern about color or sex, but it's about the family community. How true and how much that was needed to be said. Because here are a bunch of whites in a predominately black neighborhood, reaching out and serving. THAT, is the body, that is Christ.

Our speaker was OK; but he said something profound that has been sticking to me for the past 24 hours...or maybe more. The entire weekend was based on the path in which God has for us...how amazing the Lord is to have this as the topic since I am at that point. And I realized that I have all these ambitions and goals, they are always going to change. There is always going to be more. The path is not a destination, it's following God. Because God's story is never ending...neither is my path. And though I have all these things I want to do, they will happen. I want them to take shape now, but that is not the point. God will put me in the place and time when I need to focus on that goal, until then I wait and endure for God to make the move and open the doors, because they will happen. Just because I am young does not mean that these goals are going to happen immediately. They could take 40 years of waiting...and I need to be patient in that.

It's funny how God can be so predominate in certain areas of our lives when we are seeking more. I love seeing the calling that God gives to people and I love to see the direction that they take. And though sometimes I feel like I am often times left out of the equation, I know deep down that I am not. It's just me being naive and me wanting to be selfish, but I know that God is working though I can't quite see it sometimes.

Time and Time again....

I have this problem. It's not like a, "this is so bad that it's uncomfortable to write or read" problem but more of a mental tug of war that I play with myself....day in...and day out.

My mind likes to grasp for things, grasping for what tomorrow or next week or next month may bring. And I look to the future trying to see where God is going to lead me next...and I forget...I forget to focus on the now. I don't focus on what God is showing me at the very moment and I let things pass by me, and it disgusts me. Because I was too busy trying to find God in the future and not able to hear Him now.

I have over committed. I thought that I could handle all this and saw many opportunities to serve in different aspects of the ministry, thinking that each would help me along where I need to be in the future, that I didn't realize how thinly spread I was. I am now on the break down of discerning God's voice in where I need to be now, and what I need to de-commit to. And I hate it because I now feel like I am letting people down. But I know that God is helping me through this.

So how do I focus on now? How do I get my mind of the plans I oh so want to make?

Simply put....just focus on God, the blessings He has placed in the miraculous life that I live. It's that simple...yet my frustrating mind doesn't work that way. But that is part of the whole learning process...that you just depend on God more and more as life gets more and more complicating.

Depend on God...rest in Him...know that He is in control of tomorrow...be joyful of today.

This Broad Spectrum

So for some reason...I've been in a slump. And I can't quite figure out what it is. Part of me knows, and the other part doesn't. I find myself contemplating some of the most ridiculous things but then disregarding probably some of the more important ones. I would like to think that I have gotten everything back in control but I am not quite sure.

Deep down I know that there is this longing to find that one. And there are a few girls that I know that I can see being the perfect ones. But I talk myself out of it. Why? They are awesome girls but somehow I over analyze and just don't listen to God. Well I listen to God but have a hard time discerning His voice with my own. Why do I keep getting the same feelings even when I try to disregard them? Maybe that is a sign that I shouldn't put this off...maybe I should pursue. I don't know.

Part of me feels like I need to move and get away from everything that is normal and comfortable to me. I would love to move to London...get a fresh start and be able to truly get a gauge of who I am. What is my faith really depending on? I love community, would I be able to make it elsewhere? Why is there this longing to be gone and away from everything I know and love? Why do I get so excited about it and feel very little remorse about even thinking of moving away? Would I miss people...yeah I would.

I guess the biggest question is why do I not just go ahead and do it?

The Broad Spectrum of Christianity

I'm not afraid to admit it. In fact I say it proudly. I am ashamed sometimes to be called a Christian. Now I know what some of you are saying and let me explain this before people start jumping down my throat.

If you look at all the people out there that call themselves "Christians" you get such a broad spectrum of people who don't even follow what Christ taught, or misconstrue His teachings. Allow me to give a few examples.

Some Christians out there seem to think that religion is a once a week thing. That they go to church one day a week and that they have filled their quota for the week. That is not what Christ was about. It was a daily thing...constantly living the life. In fact, how many times was he persecuted due to "working" during the Sabbath? Hmm....a lot. Why then think that this thing called Christianity is once a week.

Another thing is that some Christians seem to think that God hates fags, queers, certain races, etc. Now I know that these churches and branches of "Christians" are extremes, but in it lies the name Christianity. Now how many times did Jesus preach about hating homosexuals, blacks, Jews, Asians, Greeks, etc. Or better yet, ask yourself what did Jesus preach about...Love. Loving God and loving your neighbor. Now the question is, who is your neighbor. Jesus gives a great example of this in Matthew 25:37-45. Basically anyone who is in need. Everyone is your neighbor...and you should love them regardless of the sin in their lives. If we were to stay in our Christian bubble how are we to reach a lost and dying world? And by waving signs in the air claiming that God hates fags (which is not true, He hates the sin) how are you winning the love of these people, how are you showing the Christ in which we live for? You really aren't...in fact you are putting such a bad name to Christians.

The last thing that I want to address are those so called Christians who find it their duty to go to funerals of soldiers to protest the war. I still don't understand this. I don't think I ever will. But how does one find the reasoning both out of respect/curteousy and the Bible. Not once did Jesus go to a funeral to protest...in fact He went some times and brought life. Look at Lazarus. But that is besides the point. I don't understand how Christians can call themselves Christians when they disrespect the proper burial that a soldier, a person who died protecting the very freedom that those protesters are deciding to abuse...is just plain disrespectful.

And so I am in the turmoil of whether to explain the battle that goes on in my life. Because though I love being called a Christ follower I don't like the connotations that Christianity brings with it. When has Christianity become a title? I would rather be known for the faith that I have towards God. That regardless of the situation, my God prevails and is made known. When Christianity begins to look like the way Christ showed it then I may not be ashamed. I am not saying that some people are not doing this already...and I am not saying that I am perfect in this either...but the truth is that Christianity is a broad spectrum, and until the majority of people can say that they see Christianity the way is supposed to be seen then I will be happy to say I am Christian. Until then I am a Christ follower with extreme faith in Christ who redeemed my soul even though i am weak and do not deserve it.

Bored in a hotel room

So I am in the hotel room in Vincennes Indiana...not fun. Work has started again and I am can't help but feel that this week is going to go by fast.

The people next door have their tv on loudly, and people keep slamming their doors. Thankfully I have my iPod and can listen to the great Mark Moore slam some Acts into my brain.

I am about to log off of the computer, woops I mean Mac, and go read his study on Revelations. I am really excited about this book. Hopefully it will get my brain thinking again and allow me to actually be intelligent again. Or maybe I just say that because right now my brain is dead and I am can not think of anything witty to say. Oh well.

On a lighter note, my bass is shipping. Once I get it I will post some pictures of it. I am so stoked about it.

Ok, off to read and then bed. It feels so good to be back in the journaling mode. Also I need to post some of my artwork on here as well. I have a few that I am really proud of!

Later Days.

Finding comfort when the one you want to doesn't provide it

So right now I have this urge, this feeling that ministry is the calling in which God has put upon my heart. Last week at Bible and Beach this became abundantly clear. And with the idea of being a full time missionary as well all things are more confusing. But the clarity of it all is that I am not wanting to be an engineer for the rest of my life. I am looking at going back to school in the summer by taking some online courses and night classes pursuing a degree for high school ministry.

I kind of hinted at this towards my mom today and she wasn't against it but she didn't have any enthusiasm. In fact the words that came out of her mouth were if I could take night classes and then when I told her that I think I am wanting to be a minister or missionary she said that I need to be financially well off. Which I proceeded to tell her that God will provide. I understand that she wants me to be financially stable and I am, but I would love to hear her say, "That is good that you are pursuing something that you have passion for and really want to do." But instead no.

I have done engineering for her, I have given it a try and it is just not for me. I wake up everyday asking myself what am I really doing? My passion is not in engineering. I wish she would understand that I don't care about money. I want to be happy doing what I do for the rest of my life rather than regretting or wondering the "what ifs"

I can't do this for my mom...it has to be for myself and God. And I am going to do this regardless of what my mom says, it would just be nice to have her be happy that I am wanting to do something I would love.

How can I deny this passion that God has put in my heart. I am ready to MOVE.

So this past week was Bible and Beach. Wow what an amazing time to spend time in Florida on Spring Break with high schoolers. It was so neat to go to a place where people go to get wasted and have a "good time". And here are 400 kiddos who have a heart burning for God, who wish to live out the gospel and to MOVE in their community.

CIY put on the event for this week. Jayson French was just an amazing guy to get to know along with their staff and volunteers. And then there was Mark Moore. Man how that guy can lay down the gospel. I love that he stuck through the entire book of Acts. It was just cool to hear him talk and to just teach. Steve Fee did a good job worshiping as well, but to say that all this made the experience of Bible and Beach would be a lie.

What made Bible and Beach? The awesome guys and girls that I got to meet and know and to see their walk with God. To see the guys who came up to me saying how much they appreciated me. To see the people who decided to proclaim Jesus as their Savior! Blessed are these souls who know. Another great aspect of the week was the community and family that was being built. The hearts that were comforted. But the best part of it all...my room of guys. They were solid. They were so awesome, so real, and so fun. And they just amazed me.

It's funny how you can go into an event as a leader and be taught so much. Through all this I have realized that there is no other place that I would rather be than in the ministry field. I don't really know how God is going to MOVE me into this position but I just know in my heart that this is where I need to be. The passion for ministry has always been in my heart, but never has it been more clear that I need to be making some impact on people. I've known that my Kingdom purpose is much greater than Engineering...and it's such a big step to take. It's out of my comfort zone. It's way out of the ordinary for me. I understand that the call to ministry is few and is hard. But I know deep down that if I didn't pursue this that I will regret it. My heart burns too much for others, for the call to make a difference in someone's life. I know that this is the right thing to do, and that in any way the devil can try and make me doubt and give me many reasons to not try and do this but it's the grace and strength of God that will get me through this. Why else would He put such a burning passion in my heart for this?